Today had a great start. I only hit the snooze button twice, the kids were cooperative, and we all got out the door without forgetting anything! Daycare drop-off went smoothly, and we avoided any meltdowns; so I was in a perfect place to be thankful for my blessings and look forward to a new day. It was a little bit of positive reflection that I could hold onto to get me through. These small wins might seem trivial to some, but for me, allowed me to focus on the good as I am grieving and trying to figure out my life after losing my fiance and dealing with an exhausting divorce. Instead, I am going to sit here and share my reality in hopes that at least one person out there can relate and know they are not alone. I have shared a lot of information about what I am going through after losing Ben, but I wanted to tell the other pieces of the story. I am a single momma in the middle of a horrible custody battle. Surprise!!! Even with my A+ effort, I am not divorced. (My ex and I have been separated for over three years, which is the time period that I met Ben.) While I am not going to go into the gruesome details, I will say that every day feels like there is a new front to fight, another rumor to dispell, and someone else’s half-informed opinion ‘putting me in my place.’ Day after day, week after week, and month after month, all of the negatives really start to add up. I got to a point where I couldn’t even fake a smile if I wanted to. I felt utterly alone and that there wasn’t any way out. No one ever wants to talk about the hardest part of a being a mom going through a divorce: you have to find the strength for your children; knowing there will be nothing left for yourself. I was broken and damaged but not willing to give up. I swallowed my pride, admitted defeat, and FINALLY asked for help.
Enough of the pity party!
While I have a vast support network, I am so, so, so, so, so, so fortunate to have the best friend that I do! She actually listens, tries to understand my perspective, likes to curse just as much as I do, but boldly tells me when I am wrong. (Ms. Adrienne, you know who you are, and I cannot dare think of my life without you.) She was the one who would let me feel sorry for myself for a couple of minutes, but then reminded me of who I am and where I have come from. She showed me that no matter how bad it was there is always SOMETHING to be grateful for. She was my little bit of sanity and a nonjudgmental voice that helped me get a bit of myself back.
The Moral of My Story
The point of my aimless rambling is that no matter how bleak it seems, you have to remember to find the positives in everything and everyone around you. Whether you got to the office 2 minutes before you were supposed to, your kids actually wore matching socks, or you were able to feel a little bit of sunshine on your face, YOU’VE GOT THIS!!! And don’t let anyone tell you otherwise!