Your divorce was supposed to be final today.
When you had signed the papers you were so anxious to get everything over with and couldn’t decide on what to wear. You sent me this picture before you left to show me what you had finally landed on for an outfit and express your excitement. (Even though your face didn’t show it.) The moment you found out the date everything would be final you called me to say you were finally going to be free to marry me, you were just waiting on my divorce. I so vividly remember you asking me when my divorce would be over so we could set a wedding date. You searched your calendar for the perfect Saturday in the fall. You decided on November 10, 2018, and said you could not wait any longer. I protested a little because I prefer a Spring wedding, but the excitement in your voice told me I was fighting a losing battle.
Today was supposed to be the beginning of our fresh start, but we never got the chance.
Thinking about where we started.
Our first date at a local coffee shop was not earth-shattering, but it was perfect. From you awkwardly trying to kiss my cheek and landing more in my ear area, to the fact that you lied about liking coffee so you could talk to me longer. I couldn’t have asked for anything more. I finally felt like I had met my person and that the future, while uncertain, was finally looking bright again. Neither one of us was exactly proud of our past. However, we recognize it and are thankful for how it shaped us into who we are today.
I am not going to pretend that we had a perfect relationship. We fought, even took a break, and you were sick for the last couple of months, but that doesn’t mean for a second that I would trade what we had. If I had the choice, I would still do it all over again with you.
I guess that is why today is so hard for me. You were so excited about your new life and our future, you called it the new horizon. But instead, you never got the chance to live out our dreams together. You left me way before I was ready and at an extremely unfair time. You haven’t left my heart for a second. I think about you all the time, but I am starting to figure out how to manage the pain. I’ve learned how to keep the tears inside and move forward, but still feel broken and ask myself why. I will get through this and know I am stronger than I feel. Selfishly, I thought I would have you longer and your new horizon would be with me.
I still love you, Mr. Hankins.