I want to start by apologizing for my vulgarity. However, its utilization expresses how I feel about the subject, so I will only partially apologize. 😉
The different interactions I had with people since Ben’s passing range from hurtful to treasured; but maintain a pretty consistent message: time heals all…
The first couple of times people said this, I had to use every bit of strength not to bite their heads off. I knew their condolences were intended to offer some level of comfort but instead reminded me of how much of my life I have to live without Ben. Now, I am not saying these remarks should not have been made or were done out of malice. Just that at 31 years old, these comments were a reminder that I have to go on with the majority of my life without the one person who made me feel alive.
I am as impatient as they come. While I can usually hide my disdain for waiting, patience is not a strength. Ben used to make fun of me because I could never sit still or if I did, I would find a way to have a computer on my lap so I could “multitask.” I would only stop or slow down when he would ask me for my time. It’s so easy to get caught up in being a mom, work, and numerous insignificant things that I would forget to see how truly blessed I am. But when he would look at me with his big green eyes and ask if he could hold me in our spot, nothing else mattered. The stress, worry, and doubt would all melt away because I felt loved, and I thought we had time. Time was hopeful, optimistic, and my future with you.
This couldn’t be happening!
At 9:52 on that Saturday morning our time stopped and for some reason, my time had to begin. It is a completely different pace. What once could not ever be enough and went by too fast, crawls ever so painfully leaving gaping wounds in its path. Instead of the reminder to slow down and enjoy, I’m told to take a single step forward. Time wasn’t supposed to heal anything after I found you, it was just supposed to be our chance to finally be happy.
I know in my heart there is probably some truth to the statement time heals all. However, I don’t think this pain will ever entirely go away. Somehow I will just learn to process it better and face this world without you. I will get stronger and move forward in my life. Right now, it is out of necessity, not desire. I will use my time to live my life looking forward. Remembering to constantly give thanks every day because you showed me I am worth it.
At this moment, the promise of time is such a crock of shit! Time used to hold all of my dreams that I had built with you. A second chance. To feel loved every day. Add to our family and build a house. Now time seems like it doesn’t hold anything more than pain. What was once a beautiful daydream, is now empty and void. However, I couldn’t have been more blessed than to have spent the last months of your time with you. I wouldn’t trade our time for anything in the world. I will always treasure it.
I still love you, Mr. Hankins.