Being home alone has become part of everyday life when I don’t have the kids. What used to be filled special dates, movies on the couch, and working on our future, is now a huge void not easily filled. Since Ben’s passing, I’ve gotten by, but the pain is still genuinely real. I am able to keep busy, and I have a fantastic group of friends and family, but for me to heal, I need to make time to focus on myself. I read, paint, binge watch t.v., and of course I write. The problem was the silence became deafening. When I say silence, I don’t mean the lack of sound. I always have music playing or some kind of white noise in the background. The sounds of interaction and having a companion were gone.
In the past when I would deal with a breakup or something tragic, I would throw myself into another relationship, not face my true feelings, and act like the issue never happened. I would never take a moment to slow down, heal, and do what was needed for me to move forward in a healthy state of mind. Nope, not me, I would just build more walls, distance myself from those who meant the most, and become less and less of who I am. Molded into a person of what I thought I needed to be to get by, not showing the pain that was rampant on the inside.
Not This Time!
With the loss of my fiance, I have two choices: 1. Let it destroy me and never move on or 2. Use the experience to grow as a person, heal me, and face my fears. I don’t know about you, but I think the decision is a pretty obvious one! (Option 2 if you were wondering.)
I decided to focus on myself and become the best version of me for my children but also for current and future relationships. I need to learn from everything Ben showed me: have an open heart and be myself because I am worth it.
Here is what I am doing to focus on myself:
- I started to see a therapist. Yes, there I said it, and I am not ashamed.
- Focus on my kids and getting through the struggles they are facing.
- No dating or romantic involvement with anyone for several months.
- Write on this blog 2 – 3 times a week to tell my side of the story, show who I really am, and help those who may be facing the same obstacles.
- I’d like to introduce you to Officer Omelet.
While I wish I could claim naming rights, I was not the one responsible for selecting his name. He is a three-year-old, Russian Blue cat, with a temporary but awesome haircut. He has a bit of a dad-bod but could not be a better companion. I adopted him from a local shelter that saved him from euthanization couple of weeks before. He is fantastic with the kids and is an excellent addition to the family.
Here are some more pictures of him at home: