We fought the night before Ben died. We argued back and forth, had a heated discussion, but he apologized, and it was over. Ben looked at me, gave me a huge hug and whispered let’s not fight any more Brooke Christine. We said goodnight, and I left him on the couch. As I walked back to my bedroom, he yelled I LOVE YOU! I turned around, said I loved him too and went to bed. This was the last conversation I would ever have with Ben. I tell this story because I am not going to pretend that I had a perfect relationship or that I live without regret. Ben and I had our fair share of ups and downs, but it doesn’t mean that I loved him any less.
We met online. Ben sent me some cheesy question about my favorite t.v. show and the rest is history. I wasn’t the other woman, we didn’t have an affair. I was just the new person in his life while we were both going through a divorce. It was a volatile time in both of our lives, and it caused additional stresses in our relationship. It was hard on both of us, but we were determined to work through it together. By no means was it a fairytale, but we chose each other.
Don’t Let Regret Beat You!
Looking back now, I could let the memories of our fight and less than perfect times destroy me inside. I could dwell on everything that said and replay the painful moments over and over again; trying to relive every detail to layout what I could have done differently. But what good would that do? What could I possibly accomplish by torturing myself? NOTHING.
As I deal with Ben’s loss, I have come to realize he had an impactful purpose in my life that still hasn’t been completely unveiled. While I will never know why he had to leave me so soon, I have to be thankful for the time I was granted. I cannot ask ‘what if’ or ‘why.’ I’ll drive myself insane and prevent my healing. Instead, I’ll focus on the good times, reflect on what I learned, and look forward to a future that Ben helped to craft. Constantly looking forward, while remembering the past, and knowing that God will not give me more than I can handle.
If you have lost someone close to you, remember to not beat yourself up! You lived your life to the best of your ability and your loved one would not have it any other way. You are stronger than you feel and you will go on. Even if it is just a single breath at a time. You aren’t alone.